Saturday, March 31, 2007

Reason #232

Not to take anything away from Endy Chavez's catch during Game 7 of the NL Playoffs, but Keith Hernandez was actually behind the left field wall, and helped keep the ball in the outfielder's glove.

Friday, March 30, 2007

Reason #231

Keith Hernandez isn't a member of the Hall of Fame, but he's been inducted in the Mile High Club time and time again.

Reason #230

Sources say Keith Hernandez was the real fifth Beatle.

new sports minute...

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The World Chess Federation says it's going to start testing for performance enhancing drugs. Like No-Doze.

In cricket, a pathology report has indicated that Pakistani coach Bob Woolmer died of manual strangulation. Latrell Sprewell was unavailable for comment. It's believed to be the biggest sports choke since the 2004 ALCS.

Major League Baseball mandated each team watch a film on the dangers and consequences of steroid use. In an interesting twist, the film was projected on the back of Barry Bonds' head.

Basketballer LeBron James has acquired a minority ownership of Cannondale, a manufacturer of high-end bicycles. It's nice to see James will have something to fall back on in case this whole basketball thing doesn't work out. James has been advised to invest wisely, so that when he retires, he will be able to put gas in all 8 of his private planes.

At the world swimming championships, the United States won four gold medals and set three world records. The United States has the second most powerful swimmers in the world, just behind Tom Brady.

And inspired by his brother's performance on Saturday Night Live, Eli Manning will begin working with a comedy troupe: the Giants minicamp. Eli also proposed to his girlfriend of five years this week which frustrated Giants fans: they are still waiting for Manning to come around. Congratulations, Eli – this is probably the only ring in your career.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

Reason #229

Despite what doctors say, Keith Hernandez operates heavy machinery when he's on medication.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Reason #228

Keith Hernandez dreamt he kicked Danny Heep's ass, woke up and apologized.

Reason #227

Keith Hernandez's mustache won an arm wrestling match against John Oates' stache.

Reason #226

Keith Hernandez never bent over in a bathroom stall.

Reason #225

Keith Hernandez refused credit for helping Bell Biv DeVoe's write their hit single "Poison" eventhough he came up with the line "me and the crew used to do her."

Reason #224

You can't mess with perfection.

Reason #223

Keith Hernandez's smile is priceless, but his mustache looks like $1 million bucks.

Reason #222

Keith Hernandez isn't a doctor and he didn't play one on TV, but he in 1986, he removed Kevin Mitchell's appendix with his bare hands.

Reason #221

Keith Hernandez doesn't need to smash fruit to get attention.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Reason #220

9 out of 10 doctors say Keith Hernandez is the cure for the common cold.

Reason #219

If there's grass on the field or not, you can bet Keith Hernandez is playing ball.

Reason #218

Keith Hernandez wore New York Mets underoos under his St. Louis Cardinals jersey in the early 1980s.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Oakland Raiders receiver Randy Moss was seen asking O.J. Simpson to pose with him for pictures at a Miami hotspot the other night. It's nice to see that Moss has finally found a role model he can look up to.

President George W. Bush honored the University of Florida's football team with a ceremony on the White House's South lawn. It was a joyous gathering of dozens of guys who wear helmets and one who probably should.

In college basketball, this year's NCAA tournament is expected to pull in more than $500 million in TV advertising revenue. Wow – the NCAA hasn’t seen that much money being tossed around since Chris Webber. Wow, $500 million. That’s almost as much as it costs to go to USC.

The Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson both support Colorado's decision to make their new state song "Rocky Mountain High." Really high.

The Nintendo Wii’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07 is being called the most realistic golf game yet. It’s so realistic that viewers are guaranteed to fall asleep halfway through. Ahh, video game golf. Where every button is the snooze button.

In baseball, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested Thursday on suspicion of drunken driving after police found him asleep inside his running SUV. Turns out his drowsiness was simply brought on by listening to replays of last year's World Series.

And a woman previously charged with stalking announcer Bob Uecker was asked to leave a Milwaukee Brewers' spring training game yesterday. The woman is believed to be suffering from psychological problems and extremely bad vision. She is also a self-described Brewers fan, yet another sign that she's insane.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

Reason #217

Guest blogger: Jeremy Binckes, Hewlett, NY

Like Kyle Davies of the Braves, Keith Hernandez needed surgery to repair his groin (which, of course, was worn out due to overuse). Unlike Davies, Keith was back in action the next day. Four times.

Reason #216

Keith Hernandez's favorite breakfast cereal is sex.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Reason #215

Unlike Tobias Funke, Keith Hernandez can honestly call himself an actor.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Reason #214

Keith Hernandez ends each one night stand with a "happy recap."

Sunday, March 25, 2007

Reason #213

Keith Hernandez's rendition of Frank Sinatra's "My Way" always moves people to tears. Last year, the Pope cried.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

Reason #212

Keith Hernandez always throws out the ceremonial pitch in the bedroom.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Reason #211

Keith Hernandez could out sing Sanjaya without opening his mouth.

Reason #210

Keith Hernandez is the only man to pull off the mullet. Can't say the same for the gentleman to his right. Nice 'stache guy on his left.

Reason #209

Keith Hernandez would take Cindy over Laverne anyday.

Apple iTunes

Reason #208

Both of these men bet on Keith Hernandez delivering every single night.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) Debuts

Here's a new feature on Quest for Keith...

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Don't expect Bob Knight to retire anytime soon. A few minutes after losing to Boston College, the Texas Tech coach was already talking excitedly about the new batch of recruits he'll get to choke next season.

Boxing promoter Don King secured an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican this week. Apparently, King wanted to know where to get a hat that big.

44-year-old boxer and possible nutcase Evander Holyfield defeated Vinny Maddalone with a TKO. After the fight, Holyfield said he would reclaim his heavyweight title and "I wonded."

ESPN has agreed to carry the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship. It was either that or hockey.

In football, former Steeler Linebacker Joey Porter allegedly punched Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones at a Las Vegas blackjack table. Porter could face a year in jail or worse, finish his career in Miami. Police immediately arrested Jones because he's on the Bengals.

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. It's nice to see that Manning is finally getting some television exposure.

And Michael Vick opened a new winery and restaurant that is the first of its kind to serve marijuana residue in a water bottle. Though it's known as "The Tasting Room," we prefer to call it "Bongs N' Beaujolais." Vick admitted he was reluctant to get involved with the restaurant business, but in the end he simply couldn't pass.For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

Reason #207

If you told Keith Hernandez his eyes were beautiful, he'd tell you it's because they're looking at you.

Reason #206

Ask yourself WWKHD? What would Keith Hernandez do?

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Reason #205

Guest blogger:
Allie Tarantino - New Rochelle, NY

Keith Hernandez never wore goggles during a celebration. He took champagne in his face like a man.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Reason #204

Guest blogger:
Maria Bazdekis - Tarrytown, NY

If Keith Hernandez went to Hogwarts, he would definitely have been a Gryffindor.

Reason #203

Like "Field of Dreams," Keith Hernandez heard voices telling him to "Go the Distance." He took the meaning quite differently than Kevin Costner's character in the film.

Reason #202

Keith Hernandez's action figure came with kung fu grip. Women sold separately.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Reason #201

Dale Murphy paid a Fleer executive $200 to take this picture with Keith Hernandez.

Reason #200

As The Sporting News once wrote, Keith Hernandez is indeed... "slick as a wink."

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Reason #199

It would take Keith Hernandez approximately 17 hours to do what Jack Bauer does in 24.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Reason #198

Last time we checked, Willie McGee never wrote a childrens' book.

Friday, March 16, 2007

Reason #197

Guest blogger: Mike DiScuillo

Keith Hernandez looked and played so well in his uniform that his pants and shirt are still seen running around the Shea Stadium locker room.

Reason #196

Unlike The Grinch, Keith Hernandez has a heart two-sizes too big.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Reason #195

You bet your sweet Dickie Thon Keith Hernandez had a better mustache than Dickie Thon.

Reason #194

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

Keith Hernandez always posted a 40-40 season: 40 nights with 40 blondes.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Reason #193

Instead of sheep, Keith Hernandez counts Keith Hernandezs before he goes to bed.

Reason #192

Guest blogger: Gary Chattman - Yonkers, NY

Every Christmas, Keith Hernandez dyes his mustache white to give back to the community.

Reason #191

Guest blogger: Justin Ciccotelli - East Rockaway, NY

Keith Hernandez was the original choice to play Dirk Diggler. (He was deemed too big for the part.)

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

Reason #190

Guest blogger: Maria Bazdekis - Tarrytown, NY

Keith Hernandez won't ever ask you to take him to the airport.