Don't bask in the Johan glory yet

Don't bask in the Johan glory yet...

Just wanted to point out that this is actually a dark day in Mets history. We gain Johan but we lose David Newhan. He was signed by the Astros to a minor league deal. I hope the Mets will find another player with Rick Peterson locks so Rick isn't the only one sporting a Gene Wilder white 'fro.  

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Wrigley Field is now the FUKUDOME

The agent for Kosuke Fukudome said that the player would make up his mind on a major league team quickly after deciding to come to the United States. He was true to his word.

After deciding to play in the U.S. early Tuesday morning, Fukudome chose the Cubs' offer on Tuesday night, ESPN 1000 in Chicago reported.

The two sides have reportedly agreed on a four-year deal, but the exact dollar amount was still being worked out. Earlier media reports said that the Cubs were willing to pay the career .305 hitter between $12 million and $14 million per season.

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According to MLBTradeRumors.com...

Santana/Reyes/Haren Blockbuster In The Works?

Just got an incredible rumor from a trusted New York sportswriter.  Stay with me, because this one's crazy.  But rest assured that if the source wasn't good, I wouldn't post it.

Minnesota has initiated talks for a three-way blockbuster with the Twins and A's.  Here's how it would go down:

Mets send Jose Reyes, Kevin Mulvey, and Hector Pellot to A's
A's send Bobby Crosby and Dan Johnson to Mets
A's send Dan Haren to Twins
Twins send Johan Santana to Mets

Mets get Johan Santana, Bobby Crosby and Dan Johnson
A's get Jose Reyes and Kevin Mulvey
Twins get Dan Haren and Hector Pellot

The source says Haren is exactly the type of player the Twins want for Santana, a cheap frontline starter. It's known the Mets would hate to deal Reyes but they would get some value beyond Santana.  Billy Beane is happy because he gets Reyes for one more year than he had Haren plus longtime favorite Mulvey.  And, he's out of Crosby's contract.

Thoughts?

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Hey Omar...

 Carlos Delgado, Pelfrey and Heilman for Burnett and Overbay

 

Make it happen, baby!

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Sox deal could go through

According to The Boston Globe, the Sox may be close to a deal since Twins reportedly are pleased with Lester's medical records.

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First trade at meetings

 Carlos Quentin to the White Sox for 1B Chris Carter.

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TWINS TRADE GARZA?

According to MLBTradeRumors.com... it's Matt Garza, Jason Bartlett, and Juan Rincon to the Rays for Delmon Young, Brendan Harris, and Jason Pridie.

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Want to write for us?

thecheappop.com and questforkeith are looking for bloggers.

Email us at thecheappop@aol.com for details!

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CBS Sportsline Rumor

The Denver Post reports the the Rockies are still in negotiations with catcher Yorvit Torrealba and relief pitcher Matt Herges. Torrealba's agent said his goal is to get a deal done by the end of this week. "We're getting closer and I think we're moving toward an agreement, soon, I hope," Torrealba's agent said. GM Dan O'Dowd confirmed that discussions have heated up, but stressed that bringing Torrealba back to Colorado is not a done deal.

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Tom Glavine Press Conference Today

"I think, honestly, had I decided to play and was faced with having to do it in New York or somewhere else, I honestly don't think I would have done it," he said. "I think that would have been the end for me, because it's just not worth [the pressures] and being away from my family."

 

- Tom Glavine

 

Thanks Tom. Thanks for your time in New York, and for throwing those meatballs in your final appearance with the team, and than proving once and for all...you're a Brave.

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Rumblings

Torre chose Mariano Duncan over Mazzilli so it looks like Maz will remain in the SportsNet both - well dressed but awkward...

Mets wined and dined David Eckstein... will he convert to second base to play for the Mets? My guess is YE$...

Eck has personality. Mets have none. I'm all for it.

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New direction but same Keith

We'll be posting Hot Stove stuff and more Mets news. Stay tuned...

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It's All Your Fault, Sir.

 Learn to manage a bullpen - not overwork the same guys.

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Call me a pessimist but...

FIRE WILLIE NOW

 

the season is escaping

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Let the chants begin

Fire Willie Randolph.

 

Let the movement begin.

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keith night at shea Friday

Unreal since we sparked this whole mustache fad.

 

thecheappop.com...your daily dose of pop culture and mustache envy.

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quest for keith writer to be published

Rock On! is an anthology of concert experiences within a historical context and I need to hear from you. My book, which will be published this winter, needs to be completed by end of this month so I  really need your stories asap.

 

You don't have to be a writer and it doesn't matter who you saw - just need to know who you saw, where you saw them, and what happened on the way or afterwards.

Tell me your concert experiences (in 250 words or more), and send concert photos if you have them. If you want your name in the book, let me know; if not, let me know. Please feel free to forward this request to everyone you know with my contact info. Deadline is fast approaching! Time is of the essence - please step up for me. Email your stories to JonRockOn@aol.com

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Sorry to say it...

But are we supposed to be surprised that Mets have had a lot of injuries? Aside from Beltran, all the injuries are from guys in their mid-to-late 30s and early 40s.

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castro DL

Looks like Ramon is joining LoDuca on the DL, and it also looks like Mike DiFelice is a crossdresser without the makeup.

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Bud Selig is a used car salesman

Sure, don't punish Giambi because he admitted to being a cheat and he makes charitable donations. Make sure you treat non-Yankee abusers the same way, Bud.

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This Team...

Doesn't have the magic it did last year.

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President Keith

Like George W., Keith Hernandez always rolls with two bitches.

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DFA

Aaron Sele... this trip to Norfolk's for you. Oh wait - there is no Norfolk.

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Win Tonight

...and tomorrow, and the next night.

 

Please!

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Styx and Stones

Keith Hernandez is man enough to admit he likes the song "Mr. Roboto."

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Justine Bateman

In 1987, Keith Hernandez announced his favorite "Family Ties" cast member was Mallory - a very unorthodox choice.

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Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark

Keith Hernandez's nighttime activity inspired the name of that '80s group.

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Rehab

Who's been in rehab more Pedro Martinez or Lindsay Lohan?

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thecheappop.com

Keith Hernandez would support this shameless plug.

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The Yards

Last time we checked Buddy Harrelson didn't appear in a motion picture.

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PBF

Keith Hernandez never drinks his beer out of a paper bag.

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Keith for President

He'd have my vote. He's got a better mustache than Hillary.

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This just in...

The Royals suck.

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Beltran next year...

Am I crazy to say... trade Beltran in the offseason and try to sign Hunter or Andruw Jones? Probably, but I would do it.... I tell you... I would do it!

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Next year if LoDuca walks...

Start Castro - plain and simple. Sign a nice backup or bring Piazza back for nostalgia sake and have him ride the bench.

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David Wells...

I don't like him. He stinks this year. He's old and fat. But, hey... if the Padres cut him I'd take a chance on him. He's won big games, and so what if he called the Mets a little league team in his lame ass bargain bin autobiography.

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Mets rumblings...

I hear DJ Dozier is thinking perhaps he should've focused solely on football.

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Mets News

Yankees designated Mike Myers for assignment... if no one trades for him, maybe the Mets can pick him up. He has a funky delivery, semi-good numbers this year, and can add a lefty to the pen.  Plus, he was in "Shrek," which is pretty cool. Too easy?

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American Mustache Institute

What a novel idea... Glad I didn't think of that... oh wait. I did.

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well we're not a mets blog per se....

but quest for keith will be posting some mets news from time to time... look for it...

 

 

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Tommy Baseball

Guest blogger: Milo Taibi

 

When Tom Glavine won his 300th game he pointed towards the SNY announcer's booth and mouthed the words, "This one's for you, Keith."

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Fat Free

Keith Hernandez never spells fat with a PH.

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Text'd

Keith Hernandez never sent a text message to Ron Darling.

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Sports Night

Keith Hernandez never put NBC Sports Anchor Bruce Beck in a headlock.

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High Plains Drifter?

Keith Hernandez is actually the unofficial fourth Beastie Boy.

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He Looks Like Rick Peterson

Guest Blogger: Milo Taibi

David Newhan is Keith Hernandez's way of punishing the Mets for not retiring his number.

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Nothing But Net

Guest blogger: Milo Taibi
In his spare time Keith Hernandez teaches Lebron James how to play basketball.

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CitiField

Guest Blogger: Eli Moshman

The real reason the Mets are getting a new stadium is due to the structural damage caused to Shea from Keith Hernandez fouling off pitches.

 

 

 

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Update The Blog

Keith Hernandez would never let his blog go a month before another post.
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Keith Wouldn't Jump On The Bandwagon

Guest blogger: Milo Taibi

Keith Hernandez was once offered a $500 million contract with the
Yankees, and he laughed at them. LAUGHED.

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Retire that number

J. Mark English:

"If he gets in couldn't you make the argument that the Mets should also retire his number?"

http://www.americanlegends.blogspot.com/

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Reason....

We're going to stop the numbering of reasons because frankly there are way too many reasons to list why Keith Hernandez deserves to be in the Hall of Fame... so from now on look for catchy headlines and feel free to send your ideas and we'll post if it does Mex justice.

 

 

What a shitty trade deadline yesterday.

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Reason #322

Keith Hernandez broke Henry Aaron's record years ago... well, he beat him Scrabble.

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Want to post to Quest for Keith?

Email jon@thecheappop.com!

 

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Reason #321

Keith Hernandez never wears white after Labor Day.

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Reason #320

Keith Hernandez was "Superbad" in a good way before being "Superbad" was cool.

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Reaon #319

Keith Hernandez would never give Jose Reyes a hard time about not hustling.

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Reason #318

Keith Hernandez would never wait nearly a month to post his next blog entry.

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Reason #317

Keith Hernandez once retired his pants after a night cap.

new minute or so

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Jeff Gordon and his wife on their new daughter Ella. Ella will be sponsored by Dupont.

The NBA's Paul Pierce and Austin Powers star Verne Troyer got into an argument after Pierce addressed Troyer as "Mini Me." Luckily it was just a small argument, and ended shortly.

LeBron James has been appointed commissioner of The Bubblicious Ultimate Bubble Blowing League. Because no one knows more about having a bubble burst than LeBron James.

The NHL is hoping that new league wide uniforms will help boost interest in the sport. All five people watching on Versus will really appreciate the effort.

Many baseball fans are still talking about Sammy Sosa hitting his 600th career homerun. Enough already – put a cork in it. Congratulations Sammy – to think how many empty wine bottles that must have taken.

Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks suspects that two-time AL MVP Juan Gonzalez may have used steroids. Hicks also suspects that the earth may indeed orbit around the sun.

A monkey will throw out the ceremonial first pitch before an upcoming game at Fenway Park. She'll be the hairiest creature to take the mound in Boston since David Wells.

And a woman spent one million dollars on a conman pretending to be Pedro Martinez. The man was proven to be a fraud when it was discovered he could pitch.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #316

Keith Hernandez's eyes never lie... his mustache, however, can never be trusted.

Reason #315

Keith Hernandez leaves hands feeling soft and refreshed.

Reason #314

Keith Hernandez once christened the bedding section of a New Jersey IKEA.

Reason #313

Keith Hernandez never whacked another guy. He never even considered it for a minute.

Reason #312

Guest blogger: Eli Moshman - Melbourne, Australia

To all those people who say that everybody has to put their pants on one leg at a time...Keith Hernandez proves you wrong at least twice a day.

Reason #311

Firefighters once responded to a 5-Alarm fire in Keith Hernandez's pants.

Reason #310

Keith Hernandez once autographed a VHS copy of Jim Belushi's K-9 just so it could be worth something.

Reason #309

Keith Hernandez is a man drawn to perfection.

Reason #308

Keith Hernandez is bananas - B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Reason #307

Keith Hernandez is the first person to ever start an online social network in his pants.

Reason #306

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

Everyone's favorite sandwich is a Keith Hernandez sandwich.

Reason #305

Whether you like it, or you don't like it, learn to love it, because Keith Hernandez is the best thing going today.

Reason #304

Keith Hernandez never leaves the seat up, ladies.

Reason #303

Mayor Koch didn't give Keith Hernandez the keys to the city after the 1986 World Series, but his wife gave him the keys to her apartment.

Reason #302

In 1982. Keith Hernandez became the first man to autograph a fan's vagina.

Reason #301

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

Keith Hernandez loves the Busch.

Reason #300

You know what they say behind every great woman is ... Keith Hernandez.

Reason #299

Keith Hernandez's jersey is retired in just about every NYC nightclub ladies bathroom.

Reason #298

Keith Hernandez's bologna has a first name but it's not O-S-C-A-R.

Reason #297

Keith Hernandez lived up to every contract extension he signed for.

Reason #296

Forget sheep, let's clone Keith Hernandez.

Reason #295

Keith Hernandez never head-hunted during a dodgeball game.

Reason #294

Keith Hernandez never used floaties as a kid.

Reason #293

Keith Hernandez never left his heart in San Francisco, but on one occaision, he left a pair of boxers.

Reason #292

Keith Hernandez's mustache had its own locker at Shea.

Reason #291

Keith Hernandez always does a play-by-play in the sack.

Reason #290

Unlike Roger Clemens, Keith Hernandez would never $ell himself out to George Steinbrenner.

Reason #289

To Keith Hernandez, the term "fantasy baseball" means hitting the showers with Cheryl Tiegs and Carol Alt after a game.

Reason #288

Keith Hernandez would never burn a place down for a red stapler.

Reason #287

In the spring of 1984, Keith Hernandez intercepted a nuclear missile with his mustache.

Reason #286

Keith Hernandez can solve crimes with his mustache.

Reason #285

Guest blogger: Theresa from New York

Keith Hernandez would never shoot his eye out with a Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle.




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Reason #284

Keith Hernandez's defensive skills can even shine through in this thumbnail photo.

Reason #283

Keith Hernandez's rookie card came out in the late 1970s, but his mustache's rookie card debuted in the early 1980s.

Reason #282

Like Shakira, Keith Hernandez's hips don't lie.

Reason #281

Keith Hernandez can easily handle long division.

Reason #280

Keith Hernandez isn't a poker player, but everytime he goes to the bathroom is considered a royal flush.

Reason #279

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

Keith Hernandez has more gold gloves than cats have lives.

Reason #278

Keith Hernandez graduated high school with Straight A's not STDs.

Reason #277

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

Sid Bream: ballplayer or Keith Hernandez and Willie Stargell wanna-be love child?

new minute or so

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Top NFL draft prospect Amobi Okoye admitted during interviews at the NFL combine that he has used marijuana. Teams are now wary of drafting him, as they now have to factor in the price of all those Cheetos.

Barry Bonds is continuing his pursuit of Hank Aaron. Let's hope all of this success doesn't go to his head. His massive, melon shaped head.

In basketball, Detroit Pistons guard Flip Murray says three gunshots were fired into his home by a pair of masked men. All three shots missed wildly, leading police to suspect that one of the shooters may have been Antoine Walker.

SuperSonics majority owner Clay Bennett has announced that Seattle will no longer have a basketball team beyond the 2007-08 season. The news shocked fans, who thought the Sonics stopped playing basketball in the late nineties.

Curtis Strange and Hubert Green have been elected to the World Golf Hall of Fame. The news was greeted by a very quiet and polite round of applause.

Friends report that reality star and wrestler Hulk Hogan has been quarreling nearly nonstop with his wife. Luckily no one has been hurt as all of their fights are heavily choreographed and planned out in advance.

David Beckham has been selected as the sexiest dad among a list of sexy entertainers and athletes. Former NBA star Shawn Kemp did not win, despite 75 of his children casting ballots.

And Nike took out a full-page ad in the New York Times thanking disgraced radio host Don Imus for bringing the issues of race relations and sexism to the forefront. The company also plans on throwing a parade for John Rocker. Imus' joke has also led to a lucrative book deal for the Rutgers coach Vivian Stringer. The book is tentatively titled, "Acting for Beginners."

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #276

Keith Hernandez won scrabble one time by spelling Keith Hernandez on multiple triple letter score spaces.

Reason #275

Keith Hernandez never ate mashed potatoes and gravy with Little Richard.

Reason #274

Keith Hernandez's fur coat could kick Ralph Kiner's fur coat's ass.

Reason #273

Keith Hernandez can make a knot with a cherry stem in his mouth.

Reason #272

Guest blogger: Eli Moshman - Melbourne, Australia

Every time Keith Hernandez grooms his mustache an angel gets its wings.

Reason #272

Guest blogger: Eli Moshman - Melbourne, Australia

Every time Keith Hernandez grooms his mustache an angel gets its wings.

Reason #271

Keith Hernandez only switch hits on the field, if you catch our drift.

New minute or so

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Congratulations to Kenya's Robert Cheruiyot, who won the Boston Marathon by outrunning the rest of the Kenyans. We're tired of Americans losing every marathon, and are starting our own. The course will be nine miles and can be driven.

Yankee pitcher Carl Pavano's girlfriend will be photographed for Maxim. Unless she gets injured first.

In basketball, Tim Duncan was given a technical foul and thrown out of a game for laughing at a call while on the bench. Officials feared for their safety as it's the first time Duncan has ever smiled.

Georgetown juniors Jeff Green and Roy Hibbert will submit their names for the NBA draft but will not sign with agents. That's great news for savvy NBA teams who are looking to sign the players for $15 a piece.

Turning to football, Minnesota Vikings cornerback Cedric Griffin was arrested at a night club for refusing to pull up his pants. Mr. Griffin, there is a time and a place for that kind of behavior, and that's on a cruise with the rest of your team.

Tennis star Andre Agassi hit wife Stefi Graf in the face with a tennis racquet during a charity event. Crazy what married people are into. In related news, Agassi ex Brooke Shields is no longer depressed.

And a 102-year-old woman has become the oldest golfer to ever record a hole-in-one. The woman was thrilled once she learned that she was golfing. She'll be even more thrilled when they tell her again in 20 minutes.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #270

Keith Hernandez uses a dustbuster solely for his mustache.

Reason #269

Keith Hernandez knows all the lyrics to Laura Brannigan's "Self Control," because he has none.

Reason #268

Keith Hernandez likes his steak medium rare. He likes his women raw.

Reason #267

Keith Hernandez batting stance was inspired by Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo

Reason #266

Keith Hernandez never broke his leg playing chess.

new minute or so

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Denzel Washington's son will make his NFL Europa debut for the Hamburg Sea Devils. Well done, Jackie Robinson! Denzel said he is very pean football player, and he's such a good actor that he said it convincingly, too.

In American football, Drew Bledsoe finally retired - from being benched. Unfortunately he's already being benched from retirement in favor of Jake Plummer.

Suspended Titan Pac-Man Jones was ringside for his best friend Zab Judah's fight with Ruben Galvan, mainly because he's got nothing else to do. Thankfully, the fight was not in Vegas. Now that the suspended Tennessee Titan has the year free, may we suggest he try his hand at acting. First audition? The Longest Yard-Part II.

More trouble from the Imus scandal as new tapes reveal that he also said the Rutgers women's basketball team was "from New Jersey."

And the Chicago Blackhawks will have the first pick in the NHL Draft. The Blackhawks plan on using the pick to draft a new franchise. Either that or to draft fans that care.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #265

With respect to Right Said Fred, Keith Hernandez is too sexy for this blog.

Reason #264

Keith Hernandez is a little like Shea Stadium only every night is Fireworks Night.

Reason #263

Keith Hernandez likes his lobster and women steamed.

Reason #262

Keith Hernandez stores food in his mustache to feed the homeless.

Reason #261

Keith Hernandez always keeps his flag at half-staff.

Reason #260

Keith Hernandez keeps a copy of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn in his pants.

Reason #259

In his heart of hearts, even Keith Hernandez misses Fran Healy.

Reason #258

Keith Hernandez is the only man to pull off this lame winter coat.

Reason #257

Keith Hernandez knows Snow Patrol is a band and not special enforcement.

Reason #256

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

There are only three things in life that are guaranteed: death, taxes, and Keith Hernandez's mustache.

Reason #255

Calvin Klein tried to bottle Keith Hernandez's sweat in the late 1980s. Unfortunately, the cologne Forever Keith never made it to department store shelves.

new minute or so

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

International players now make up 29% of Major League Baseball. So if you've gotten an American education, that's more than half. The New York Mets have the most international players on their current roster with 72,000. Half of Boston's roster is foreign born, but they all get bussed in.

In Louisville, the saddle worn by last year's Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro is expected to fetch the highest bid at a charity auction. Expected to fetch the lowest bid? A large bottle of glue.

CFL running back Ricky Williams has applied to be reinstated in the NFL, after using up all the pot in Toronto. Scouts are skeptical, as Williams has already taken way too many hits.

In basketball, Wizards point guard Gilbert Arenas will likely miss the rest of the season after knee surgery. Many Wizards fans wish they could be so lucky. Arenas' injury is unfortunate, as he is the best team in the Eastern Conference.

And two 43-year old former world champion boxers squared off this week. The two were told to touch gloves, keep it clean, and put a coat on - it's cold out. We're looking forward to next week, when the winner takes on Max Schmeling.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #254

Keith Hernandez has had more Boogie Nights this month than William H. Macy has had in his entire lifetime.

Reason #253

Like Luke Skywalker, Keith Hernandez protects his lightsaber...especially when promiscuous women are involved.

Reason #252

Guest blogger: Eli Moshman - Melbourne, Australia

Keith Hernandez had 75 game-winning RBIs for the Mets in 1983 even though they won only 68 games that year.

Reason #251

Keith Hernandez didn't only achieve greatness playing baseball. From 1979-1990 he was the reigning king of shuffleboard.

Reason #250

Keith Hernandez never wore a bunny costume on Easter.

Reason #249

Keith Hernandez has "more fun in bed" but doesn't need Klein Sleep.

Reason #248

Keith Hernandez's advances have never been "rejected."

Reason #247

Keith Hernandez always lays all of his cards on the table.

Reason #246

All of Keith Hernandez's shoes cost $300.

Reason #245

Every night spent with Keith Hernandez is a special occasion.

Reason #244

Unlike Sparky Anderson, Keith Hernandez has never Googled himself.

Reason #243

Keith Hernandez would never total a $1.5 million dollar car.

Reason #242

Rick Ownbey and Neil Allen were no Scott Kazmir.

Reason #241

Keith Hernandez took less balls to the chin than Johnny Bench.

Reason #240

Keith Hernandez inspired the lyrics to "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

Reason #239

Keith Hernandez has never met a bust he hasn't liked.

Reason #238

Keith Hernandez always recycles his soda cans.

Reason #237

Keith Hernandez's mustache was once intentionally walked by Lee Guetterman. The reliever preferred to pitch to Keith Hernandez instead.

Reason #236

Keith Hernandez makes every woman feel like a natural woman.

Reason #235

Keith Hernandez never had a zit during adolescence.

Reason #234

Guest blogger: Jeremy Binckes, Hewlett, NY

Because Pete Rose doesn't have a sweet cartoon commercial about his dorky haircut.

Reason #233

Keith Hernandez could make balloon animals with his tongue.

Reason #232

Not to take anything away from Endy Chavez's catch during Game 7 of the NL Playoffs, but Keith Hernandez was actually behind the left field wall, and helped keep the ball in the outfielder's glove.

Reason #231

Keith Hernandez isn't a member of the Hall of Fame, but he's been inducted in the Mile High Club time and time again.

Reason #230

Sources say Keith Hernandez was the real fifth Beatle.

new sports minute...

Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

The World Chess Federation says it's going to start testing for performance enhancing drugs. Like No-Doze.

In cricket, a pathology report has indicated that Pakistani coach Bob Woolmer died of manual strangulation. Latrell Sprewell was unavailable for comment. It's believed to be the biggest sports choke since the 2004 ALCS.

Major League Baseball mandated each team watch a film on the dangers and consequences of steroid use. In an interesting twist, the film was projected on the back of Barry Bonds' head.

Basketballer LeBron James has acquired a minority ownership of Cannondale, a manufacturer of high-end bicycles. It's nice to see James will have something to fall back on in case this whole basketball thing doesn't work out. James has been advised to invest wisely, so that when he retires, he will be able to put gas in all 8 of his private planes.

At the world swimming championships, the United States won four gold medals and set three world records. The United States has the second most powerful swimmers in the world, just behind Tom Brady.

And inspired by his brother's performance on Saturday Night Live, Eli Manning will begin working with a comedy troupe: the Giants minicamp. Eli also proposed to his girlfriend of five years this week which frustrated Giants fans: they are still waiting for Manning to come around. Congratulations, Eli – this is probably the only ring in your career.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit

Reason #229

Despite what doctors say, Keith Hernandez operates heavy machinery when he's on medication.

Reason #228

Keith Hernandez dreamt he kicked Danny Heep's ass, woke up and apologized.

Reason #227

Keith Hernandez's mustache won an arm wrestling match against John Oates' stache.

Reason #226

Keith Hernandez never bent over in a bathroom stall.

Reason #225

Keith Hernandez refused credit for helping Bell Biv DeVoe's write their hit single "Poison" eventhough he came up with the line "me and the crew used to do her."

Reason #224

You can't mess with perfection.

Reason #223

Keith Hernandez's smile is priceless, but his mustache looks like $1 million bucks.

Reason #222

Keith Hernandez isn't a doctor and he didn't play one on TV, but he in 1986, he removed Kevin Mitchell's appendix with his bare hands.

Reason #221

Keith Hernandez doesn't need to smash fruit to get attention.

Reason #220

9 out of 10 doctors say Keith Hernandez is the cure for the common cold.

Reason #219

If there's grass on the field or not, you can bet Keith Hernandez is playing ball.

Reason #218

Keith Hernandez wore New York Mets underoos under his St. Louis Cardinals jersey in the early 1980s.

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Oakland Raiders receiver Randy Moss was seen asking O.J. Simpson to pose with him for pictures at a Miami hotspot the other night. It's nice to see that Moss has finally found a role model he can look up to.

President George W. Bush honored the University of Florida's football team with a ceremony on the White House's South lawn. It was a joyous gathering of dozens of guys who wear helmets and one who probably should.

In college basketball, this year's NCAA tournament is expected to pull in more than $500 million in TV advertising revenue. Wow – the NCAA hasn’t seen that much money being tossed around since Chris Webber. Wow, $500 million. That’s almost as much as it costs to go to USC.

The Denver Nuggets Carmelo Anthony and Allen Iverson both support Colorado's decision to make their new state song "Rocky Mountain High." Really high.

The Nintendo Wii’s Tiger Woods PGA Tour '07 is being called the most realistic golf game yet. It’s so realistic that viewers are guaranteed to fall asleep halfway through. Ahh, video game golf. Where every button is the snooze button.

In baseball, St. Louis Cardinals manager Tony La Russa was arrested Thursday on suspicion of drunken driving after police found him asleep inside his running SUV. Turns out his drowsiness was simply brought on by listening to replays of last year's World Series.

And a woman previously charged with stalking announcer Bob Uecker was asked to leave a Milwaukee Brewers' spring training game yesterday. The woman is believed to be suffering from psychological problems and extremely bad vision. She is also a self-described Brewers fan, yet another sign that she's insane.

For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #217

Guest blogger: Jeremy Binckes, Hewlett, NY

Like Kyle Davies of the Braves, Keith Hernandez needed surgery to repair his groin (which, of course, was worn out due to overuse). Unlike Davies, Keith was back in action the next day. Four times.

Reason #216

Keith Hernandez's favorite breakfast cereal is sex.

Reason #215

Unlike Tobias Funke, Keith Hernandez can honestly call himself an actor.

Reason #214

Keith Hernandez ends each one night stand with a "happy recap."

Reason #213

Keith Hernandez's rendition of Frank Sinatra's "My Way" always moves people to tears. Last year, the Pope cried.

Reason #212

Keith Hernandez always throws out the ceremonial pitch in the bedroom.

Reason #211

Keith Hernandez could out sing Sanjaya without opening his mouth.

Reason #210

Keith Hernandez is the only man to pull off the mullet. Can't say the same for the gentleman to his right. Nice 'stache guy on his left.

Reason #209

Keith Hernandez would take Cindy over Laverne anyday.

Reason #208

Both of these men bet on Keith Hernandez delivering every single night.

National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So) Debuts

Here's a new feature on Quest for Keith...

The National Lampoon Sports Minute (Or So)
Written by Steve Hofstetter, Adam Hofstetter, Cody Marley, Ryan Murphy, Rich Ragains, Elliot Steingart, and Chris Strait

Don't expect Bob Knight to retire anytime soon. A few minutes after losing to Boston College, the Texas Tech coach was already talking excitedly about the new batch of recruits he'll get to choke next season.

Boxing promoter Don King secured an audience with Pope Benedict XVI at the Vatican this week. Apparently, King wanted to know where to get a hat that big.

44-year-old boxer and possible nutcase Evander Holyfield defeated Vinny Maddalone with a TKO. After the fight, Holyfield said he would reclaim his heavyweight title and "I wonded."

ESPN has agreed to carry the USA Rock Paper Scissors League Championship. It was either that or hockey.

In football, former Steeler Linebacker Joey Porter allegedly punched Bengals offensive lineman Levi Jones at a Las Vegas blackjack table. Porter could face a year in jail or worse, finish his career in Miami. Police immediately arrested Jones because he's on the Bengals.

Peyton Manning hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend. It's nice to see that Manning is finally getting some television exposure.

And Michael Vick opened a new winery and restaurant that is the first of its kind to serve marijuana residue in a water bottle. Though it's known as "The Tasting Room," we prefer to call it "Bongs N' Beaujolais." Vick admitted he was reluctant to get involved with the restaurant business, but in the end he simply couldn't pass.For more of the Sports Minute (Or So), visit minuteorso.com

Reason #207

If you told Keith Hernandez his eyes were beautiful, he'd tell you it's because they're looking at you.

Reason #206

Ask yourself WWKHD? What would Keith Hernandez do?

Reason #205

Guest blogger:
Allie Tarantino - New Rochelle, NY

Keith Hernandez never wore goggles during a celebration. He took champagne in his face like a man.

Reason #204

Guest blogger:
Maria Bazdekis - Tarrytown, NY

If Keith Hernandez went to Hogwarts, he would definitely have been a Gryffindor.

Reason #203

Like "Field of Dreams," Keith Hernandez heard voices telling him to "Go the Distance." He took the meaning quite differently than Kevin Costner's character in the film.

Reason #202

Keith Hernandez's action figure came with kung fu grip. Women sold separately.

Reason #201

Dale Murphy paid a Fleer executive $200 to take this picture with Keith Hernandez.

Reason #200

As The Sporting News once wrote, Keith Hernandez is indeed... "slick as a wink."

Reason #199

It would take Keith Hernandez approximately 17 hours to do what Jack Bauer does in 24.

Reason #198

Last time we checked, Willie McGee never wrote a childrens' book.

Reason #197

Guest blogger: Mike DiScuillo

Keith Hernandez looked and played so well in his uniform that his pants and shirt are still seen running around the Shea Stadium locker room.

Reason #196

Unlike The Grinch, Keith Hernandez has a heart two-sizes too big.

Reason #195

You bet your sweet Dickie Thon Keith Hernandez had a better mustache than Dickie Thon.

Reason #194

Guest blogger: Rich Tarantino - Yonkers, NY

Keith Hernandez always posted a 40-40 season: 40 nights with 40 blondes.

Reason #193

Instead of sheep, Keith Hernandez counts Keith Hernandezs before he goes to bed.

Reason #192

Guest blogger: Gary Chattman - Yonkers, NY

Every Christmas, Keith Hernandez dyes his mustache white to give back to the community.

Reason #191

Guest blogger: Justin Ciccotelli - East Rockaway, NY

Keith Hernandez was the original choice to play Dirk Diggler. (He was deemed too big for the part.)

Reason #190

Guest blogger: Maria Bazdekis - Tarrytown, NY

Keith Hernandez won't ever ask you to take him to the airport.

Reason #189

Keith Hernandez wisely turned down the lead role in "Moon Over Parador."